Without You

Taken as an excerpt from the one who feels lost amongst all

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so fixated on one object, you lose motivation to think about anything else?

That’s consumption done right.

There’s no need for desire of anything else. Your thoughts are consumed. You wish you could think about any or everything else; it’s seemingly locked down though. Everything suddenly revolves around this one.

Drained. Tired. Ineffectually helpless.

This is a new feeling for me.
Is this another one of those experiences where you overcome it and become a
stronger person?

Through the fire
I’ll persevere
I won’t submit to any fear
Where I’ll go you’ve been before
All my trust is in you Lord

Hold me close, Lord. Keep me sane.

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All I need is you, Lord. Let me cling onto you as desperately as I may this week.

What You Remind Me Of

“I saw you as a nice and pretty girl”.

It’s funny how sometimes what others say, can have an enormous impact on you.

I remember the first time I met you. You came, as if the wind had blown you in. Hair was disheveled, with a lopsided scowl on your face. You did not seem as if you wanted to be there; but were instead forced to.

Your voice is young. The words you use were coarse, but truthful. You encouraged us to try our best. And when the time approached – you disappeared just a few seconds tad of early.

I wanted you to be mine. I was glad, because I had you with me. I didn’t see much of anything, except through the eyes of you.

But sometimes, what we forget is that love is Him. He gave us everything in exchange for our love. But we didn’t carry through. And yet, time and time again, He forgives. He forgives because He loves us enough; and even more.

I believe I am weak when it comes to lust. I am weak when it involves my emotional side in taking over the logical side of myself. I miss you when I am happy. I miss you when I am sad. And I especially miss you when I am lonely.

But why depend on earthly beings to satisfy our loneliness, lack of happiness, and fill the void of our sadness? Humans at times, can be too in touch with their emotional lack of fulfillment – to the point of where they forget where they came from; of what love is. Who it is.

A prosodiac. A coffee addict. How opposite they can be.

A new beginning.

All Over

There was endless questioning and searching for a tiny bit about you. It was unnecessary now that I look back.

For this obsessive probing was so distant in nature. You ended up not being impressed by my spontaneity and also my questions. It is funny that for some, they are happy with my inquiries, whereas others find it to be intrusive.

I think you were rather gentlemanly. Your quaint smile and eyes of being inviting, yet guarded.

I wish you better luck this time. Xx

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Let Me In

Yet another time comes by where it seems I can’t focus on much. I can’t accomplish much without having to be distracted by a fleeting thought of “What is your name?”. Has this happened to me before? Yes, actually – quite recently, in the July of this year. It seems the cycle is not lengthening as it has in the past, but it has become such of a shorter routine. I have come to become quite easily mesmerized; quite simply because of traits I vie for in myself, but have often come short of.

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This moment – which I will come to describe, is quite paradoxical really. I have always done this to someone else, yet I have never come to experience it myself.

Seeing you out of the corner of my peripheral vision, I contemplated whether it would be surprising for me to speak to you. For when I spoke to him this year, it took my utmost amount of courage I had conjured up – yet when I was faced with the same decision yesterday, I could not do it. Possibly it was also because of the mood I was in – moody, indecisive, and longing for more.

You sat behind me. I looked far into the skies and the trees, seeming to search for more. Where I looked, you also saw. When I hastily looked away from inside the passenger’s seat, you followed suit. You seemed to trace every sight I lay my eyes upon. Your scent was not sweet, nor was it savoury. Not even an inch close to what he once smelled like. You had your own unique scent that was.

For when I pulled the cord to signal my departure – I was a bit hoping you would also take the same descent as me. I had no courage to look behind me – to see whether you were following me out. I have become one that is more cowardice than vice. Either it be that I am growing up, or that I have become much less passionate to chase what I want; I only regret not taking that chance.


What is your name? 

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To The Good Old Days

I was reminded by a dear friend today of something very important. Morals of life always seem to pop out at me at the weirdest and yet, coincidently, important times. I thank her for this wisdom which she bestowed upon me.

Why make life difficult? Why make it stressful for oneself when you can bathe in happiness, without it even being of your control? Why must you exert control over everything you touch or see? Is it worth the misery of wondering “what-ifs” and “however’s”?

Let me to let you be happy. To be fortunate in all that you do. But let our paths align for as long as it possibly can. I think you are one amazing being, and with the smiles you direct at others, it is a blessing to have known you personally.

Let us be of who we were of once. To the good old days when we were innocent and kind, gentle yet firm, and also curious but present. Let us dwell in the times of innocence. Gentleness. Reminiscence of vowels. Reminiscence of sounds.

Have you heard this before?

Falling in Deep [For You]

Hi y’all 🙂

It’s honestly been too long since I’ve written a post from the heart; too long since I’ve had time to myself and not be consumed by any one thing; too long since I’ve been so free; so open.

This may turn into a really long post filled with numerous errors, rambles, and ultimately, words that scare me as you read them on your screen. Deep down, I’ve never really been one to open up completely to someone. Well, I’ve always had my spiritual Father who I would say every and anything to. My deepest, darkest, happiest, saddest moments, I had relinquished onto Him. Not because I felt it was a burden that I had to get off my chest. No, it was because I wanted Him to know everything about me – everything that was going on in my life, why I felt this way about that, and whether I could see anything after today. He was my pillar of strength. He was what I held onto as hope everyday.

He has a plan for us. His will for us is the path we are supposed to walk upon. Knowing that there exists a path created only for us, a special path that no one else walks upon, rejoicing and praising Him along the way – I am glad. I am joyous. I am free. I am thankful. There are so many emotions whenever I hold onto this hope being what it is true, that I take each day as it comes.

I do not believe that I have to find another to share this life with. There have been numerous sermons where I have heard the message along the lines of: “You will find someone to spread the Word with. They will be with you along this journey on Earth. They will love the same things you do and you both will glorify His name together”. But there have also been instances where I was told: “No, you will be fine by yourself. You do not need your other half to live life. Glorifying our Father by yourself is also acceptable.” I do not have a preference for either. I believe that whatever happens, it is His plan for us. I have never placed utmost trust in any single human being on Earth because I am still that one who does not completely trust anyone, except our Father. In him, I believe and will always believe everything – without proof, evidence, logic – for He is everything to me. My faith is built on Him alone. Irrational and illogical to some, I know it is in my heart that He is true. He is the truth. 

I have gone through periods in my life where I am often fascinated by an object of interest. It has never occurred to me how my interest was captured. But I feel it was somehow meant to be. It just happened.

I wish that somehow we could meet. Somehow I or you could strike up a conversation with the other. Often, the mysteriousness or uncertainty of one seems to limit what the other can do. The hint of a smirk and the twinkling eyes – they draw me in deep. What I would do to even know a bit more about you. What I would give, to learn of your hometown. Where you grew up within a population only a tenth of what I grew up within. What were your most memorable moments moving here? What do you like to eat? Where do you like to take walks? What would you look for in a friend? Even the simplest of questions – what is your favourite colour?

I often believe I think too much and ask too many questions. A fellow I had come to know over the past 7 months had once told me, I often ask questions that I already know the answer to – but I ask it anyway.

Is this the result of wanting to talk to you more? Is it wanting to know more about you that drives me to keep prodding?

I wish I could meet you.

One day. Someday. I look forward to us.

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Simplicity [Rend Collective]

I was recently introduced to this lovely tidbit of a song from one of our awesome P&W leaders. As he had brought this song up, he had mentioned that at first he thought this was a love song. He had thought this song to be a love letter to a beloved.

The lyrics are beautiful. My love for my Father is great. I cannot imagine loving anyone more than Him. His love for us is what gave us the breath to breathe today, the ability to wake up. His will is what made me exist in the first place.

“To worship you, in spirit and truth, only you.”

“You’re the reason I sing. The reason I sing. Yes, my heart will sing. How I love you.”

Please, enjoy this song on this day that our Lord has created for us.