What Would I Give

So much frustration is on my mind right now. It honestly seems as if I’ve become one of those I’ve only read, or heard of before. You know those people whom never say no to anything, or promise to do whatever you ask them to? I feel as if I’ve succumbed to becoming one of “those”. It can be rather frustrating sometimes. I feel as if I have no time to myself or even to be with my Father. Time that I want to set aside to blog, to do my devotionals, to just do what I love, to be with who I want. I’m so tired.

Maybe this post can be seen as a sad post. As it is filled with my complaints and also anger as I express my thoughts from the past week. Of deadlines looming. Of marks being received. Of people’s expectations falling flat, or being set too high. There’s just too much that I have to be accountable for. Unfortunately, that was the image I built for myself over the years.

One of the bravest things I’ve done over the course of this year so far was talking to you 🙂 I am still rather giddy about it and cannot believe I had the courage or strength to do so. I believe it was the Holy Spirit that was within me to allow the words I’ve wanted to tell you since Day One I saw you, to flow through me.

Unfortunately, do we have much to talk about? No, I do not think so. Although at times, I believe we do favour and desire each other’s company. However, the lack of chemistry  or history is still rather blatant in the silences that fill the air between us. My questions are prodding at times. You still seem to want to answer them wholeheartedly.

But I feel as if this is not how friendships are developed. The strain and also the worry of wanting to not disappoint the other is … disappointing in itself. And even learning that you are not what I thought you to be, I was extremely giddy to learn that you were at the event on a Sunday. You surprised me. The Lord did answer my prayers. I would want to know how the event went for you.

I feel as if my blog posts are incomprehensible for those whom do not know the foreground knowledge that comes within my posts. Just know, I would give anything in the world for us to work. You have currently become my most favouritest person in this world, thus far.

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Giddy

“Can you believe that happened today?”

“No, I still can’t.”

Those days where one starts off rushed, flustered, and just utterly defeated. Tiredness encompassing every muscle, running and hopping from foot to foot just hoping to not get swept by the wave to the side where all is lost.

I once read somewhere that those whom find utter happiness in life never, ever, search for it. Instead they simply let life flow through them; through their fingertips, their smiles, their bright eyes, their love-filled words, and their every step. They don’t base their existence on the relationships that have blossomed, but rather have them as an accessory to their day and joy.

Will I possibly have more time with you soon? I know for some they absolutely dislike it when they are directly asked questions; I hope that’s not true for you. I love asking and prodding for people’s perspectives of life and past experiences. Everyone holds something unique and endearing as their story.

The quirky voice; in some ways, very similar to mine. Those eyes, and the stature.

I don’t think I will ever get tired nor bored.

Give Thanks

Life can be really hectic; at instances where you may expect it the least. However busy I may get, I still stop and give thanks. Why? Because without Him, we wouldn’t be here at all. Healthy and strong, striving to put away each day with the utmost satisfaction and pleasure we can hope to obtain.

In one month, my world had been turned upside down. From the peace and calmness of tranquility I had been so used to for the past six months, deadlines and perfection to succeed had replaced it. But it also brought a sense of belonging and drive that I had been so dearly missing ever since that day which brought stagnant objectives.

I hope to be able to somehow balance life, love, friendships, happiness, thankfulness, and joy to those around me. Including those whom I only get a glimpse of as I pass them by on my commute home, or through the halls. You never know, even a friendly wave could brighten someone’s day when they’re feeling the lowest of lows.

I give thanks, because He provided. I give thanks, because He deserves our acknowledgement. I give thanks, because of each passing day being a reality. I give thanks, because He is always there. I give thanks, because I can.

I give thanks.

Searching

You know that feeling when you’re searching and searching for that one thing, and when you think you’ve almost got it in your hands, it manages to slip away; leaving you more down than if you had never been given that initial opportunity in that first place? I’ve went through that endless cycle a few times, but thanks to the Lord’s grace, I’ve managed to finally solve this problem once and for all, which I’m super, super thankful for.

I’ve never really liked the feeling of being indebted to people. Sure, lending a hand and helping others is in my nature, so I don’t mind it if it’s coming from me; but to others? I could compare that feeling of a fish being hooked and just dangling there until someone comes along and saves it.

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Luckily with problems, there often comes solutions; and sometimes in a place where you would’ve never expected to find it. Life has many great mysteries, adventures, falling-outs; and sometimes it just takes a little (or a lot!) of time, paired with patience of course.

And thus I leave you with a verse [Isaiah 9:11] that pretty much sums up this long, thankful post:

Nevertheless, that time of darkness will not go on forever.