This past week has been extremely tough for me. It just seems as if I want to stuff infinitely many events, meetings, and fun times out with friends into non-existential hours of time that I only have. I am unraveling myself, oh so thin it feels. To the point of where I may wake up from a 10 hour sleep feeling as if I had just finished pulling an all-nighter.
Like one of my close friends has frequently told me. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. Wanting to achieve this set of prestigious grades to end up on the President’s Honour Roll, of wanting to cram as many commitments and volunteer opportunities into my schedule because I want to build that flawless resume, and even wanting to build a desirable and beautiful community for my sisters at my Church. All this planning and time being spent into wanting to perfect a schedule that God will truly be proud of – it’s making me feel as if I have a million lego blocks in my bucket that I am using to sculpt my life; but seemingly, feeling as if I am drowning rather than enjoying, in the rainbow collectiveness of colours.
I want to do all this and more, because I believe that the more that I do, the greater the sense of purpose I feel for this life of mine. The more time I can spend in building and mending the friendships that I have. The happier and more joyous memories I can accumulate for this Summer that I had envisioned to be the best of the best.
This morning, I was a crybaby once again. I always do this one quirk of mine where when I go in front of our Lord, I reflect on the past week’s happenings. I think (oh I do this way too much!) about whether it was a worthwhile week. Did I do what I wanted to? Did I accomplish all that I had set about within my mind? Did I uphold all the promises and commitments that I had taken upon myself? Was I the best I could have been? On many weeks, I was proud of what I had decided to devote my time to. On the odd weeks, I had felt sad, guilty, and shameful. Not progressing as much as I had hoped. Of not being there within the midst of my Father regularly; seeking His shelter and warmth in growing spiritually.
Today, I had felt the deepest of lows in a while. This feeling of being very unforgiving towards myself of not being the daughter I had set out for myself within the course of this Summer. “Why?” I would question myself countless times and over. What was it that had made my time disappear to the point of oblivion? The time that I wanted to devote to my Father, they seemingly became filled with priorities that I somehow had to do, and God became second.
To relinquish control of my time and my desires. To not have to hold myself accountable, each and every day – to some cause without reason. I had felt as if I was suffocating under the weight of my repentances. But God, I pray. Would you take them away and give me a clear head in distinguishing what is important, what is not, and being rational to really commit time into that which you have assigned purpose and belonging to; truly cultivating it to become something worthy that I am to surrender to you.
God, you are wonderfully amazing. Beautifully merciful, and I am proud to be a Child of God who will relentlessly yearn for your passions to consume me in becoming one like you.