Without You

Taken as an excerpt from the one who feels lost amongst all

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so fixated on one object, you lose motivation to think about anything else?

That’s consumption done right.

There’s no need for desire of anything else. Your thoughts are consumed. You wish you could think about any or everything else; it’s seemingly locked down though. Everything suddenly revolves around this one.

Drained. Tired. Ineffectually helpless.

This is a new feeling for me.
Is this another one of those experiences where you overcome it and become a
stronger person?

Through the fire
I’ll persevere
I won’t submit to any fear
Where I’ll go you’ve been before
All my trust is in you Lord

Hold me close, Lord. Keep me sane.

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All I need is you, Lord. Let me cling onto you as desperately as I may this week.

Care

You realize life’s many waves.

One moment you may be happy and carefree, knowing all is well. The next, you realize there are many shatters beneath the top; waiting to surface in those unpredictable moments. Why is it so hard for us to cling onto happiness and comfort?

Seeing you through the lens of this which I’ve called my own and destined for capturing those around me, I was happy. But as one retreated into the depths, there was no solace remaining.

Can you see? Or can you merely realize. Those who do not have, always pick out the gaping hole in that which they have. But those who have, never fully realize the extent of the value they hold. Lucky, aren’t they?

As the days go by, and the many setting of the sun’s, accompanied by the rises. Will I be the one who forgoes the desire that so easily roots and stems itself within me? Why do I let this pod take place, when I already know of it’s many disappointments and voids that it has frequented in the past?

Maybe it’s because my remembrance is fleeting, while my memories dwell. Memories that I let linger through the many captures that I take on a daily basis. Memories that engrain themselves within me, with the subject’s presence abiding; without permission, but encompassing reluctance.

He wanted people to like his mind again – after awhile it might be such a nice place in which to live.

This Side of Paradise. 

  • Fitzgerald

The mind is the dominating organ that intrigues me; above all else. Like a friend once mentioned, it is also the organ that can come to odds with your faith. Do you let this come between you and what your soul rests in, or do you choose to walk away? Isn’t it peculiar how one does not want to be questioned or left behind, but also cares for those whom she places her utmost respect in – to even want to obtain certainty from; those she realizes the displeasure that may result.

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Someone far and locked up, may you find your own

Remember

Remember who you found among those winding streets and chilly frosts of air that stemmed from your chuckles as you gasped and laughed. Remember who you decided to leave behind – not by choice, but by another taking the reins for you. Remember.

Stray far from that person who used to be overtaken by so many fears and anxiety. Forget those that wrapped their hands around your lungs. Persevere. Strive. Smile. Move forward. No, even run.

Jump and feel those wings lift you higher and higher up. Away from that which bound you before and realize you aren’t the same; and will never be again. Because you chose our Father. You choose, everyday – to let Him lead your every step. There is certainty in what He decides, and that is where your calming heart is planted.

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That’s truth.

Having had the opportunity to travel the confines of Europe; I am lucky beyond words. I would really encourage all those whom are looking to enrich their undergraduate studies – to seriously consider exchange. It is a hefty investment, but priceless. The adventures you will encounter, the people you befriend, cities to discover, and personal growth experienced: will change you forever.

I’ve finally come home. I’m back here, where I was born, grew up, accustomed to my own skin and happiness. Working full-time, but with the entire summer up to me, how I will fill it. There’s much I want to do. But help me to never forget Him.

I promise to update this blog with my adventures and “wise sayings”, that I’ve acquired over the past 4 months. Thanks, England.

You have to aim for the top, not aim to pass. You are more than what you were destined for. What’s your passion?

You were beautiful. More than anything I’ve seen in anyone. God creates the most wondrous of cities and places.

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Sight: Soho, London
Photo credit: Ems Chiu
Date: June 1. 2017

Embrace You • Embrace God

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:5-8

These past few months were filled with decisions, love, worries, happiness, growth, joy, and most of all- understanding. I am thankful for that in which I was allowed to contribute my time to, the people in which I have come to know much more of, and especially: the relationships I have seen grow and strengthen. Many times, one does not step back to look through the objective lens at those around us. What if we were not one of this church? What if we did not come to this city; did not live to this time. Would the friendships and trust that exist today- still co-exist?

I always look up to those in whom I see aspiration. Their motivation to love and care in putting the needs of others ahead of their own is a wholistic approach in incorporating that in which they hold important and close to their heart. Unconditional love was and is never an easy trait to encompass in all daily interactions. How easy is it to say that someone is important to you, but when it is most important, do you truly act out your intentions?

I see you. The girl who grew from a child in this family we all call our own. This family in which your hair has grown and been shortened, in accordance with the many years you add onto your life, one by one. The confidence you have achieved and the love you so delicately sprinkle into each aspect in which you touch- though maybe only those close to you may realize the commitment you hold yourself on; being a daughter, sister, lover, and above all- a leader. Someone who others look upon for guidance, laughs, creativity, a hand, an arm. You bubble with the cheerfulness of someone who has seen and known much; though your age may be young + with much to learn. You have the capacity to grow and re-open boundaries that the traditions have bound in place. You devote time in places where others may overlook because they simply forget to acknowledge the importance of Him. So I thank you. For that which you have shown me, through your grace, your love, and most of all- your voice. It was an honour to serve alongside someone in which I have come to cherish dearly in the masses that we have grown to be a part of.

The other one. Someone whose presence will surely be missed. You and my other favourite remain a stronghold in this place in which we call our family. Familial relationships are not bound by blood anymore but by faith. In faith we have accepted that our Father is our one true God. By faith we realize the importance of each other. Through witnessing your faith, I realize that though uncertainty may latch itself onto our very footsteps, if we cling even more strongly onto our Father, we will overcome those dark times to become someone who is stronger still. Times in which we do not wholly see the way in front of us; through Him we see His way and His will.

I had once believed that our life was meant to live and achieve total happiness. In our family, our friendships, our life and career- if we are able to try our best and be at the top: we will be happy. Content in what we have, joyous in our accomplishments, ecstatic in knowing our path is so clearly drawn, like footprints to step into within the sand. How is it that I have evolved from the mentality of striving for happiness to understanding true happiness will never be found solely through one’s own desires? Through aligning personal longing with God’s will, do we actually hope for and find purpose in which He has prepared for us all along.

In the most quiet of times, away from all distractions and chatter, can I hear His voice. Only is it when I forget about all the lists filled with never-ending tasks can I ask for discernment in my next steps.

I hope that for every decision I embark on, I will turn to our Father first. Turning away from asking him whether this decision will make me happy, to if He is happy and satisfied with my choice in this matter. For when He is happy with what I hope to achieve, will only I be also happy in taking that step.

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God My Saviour

I have found another song in which I was moved to tears. I have at times, when I come before our Lord – felt ashamed, guilty, lost, confused, and a whole array of emotions in which I feel unworthy to stand before Him. It is not that I have committed a slew of sins, but rather that I have kept him in the background of some of my decisions; rather than the forefront in which we should aim for.

He is my favourite. In this world and in the Heavens. I cannot dream of spending eternity with anyone else. But what is it about certain people I meet in my time here on earth where they captivate me to such lengths, that I become someone else. A different person in my values, beliefs, words, actions – in that instant, I have become someone else. Mostly, it is for the worse, and not for the better.

I know I am to keep our Father as my compass. As the True North for whatever it is that I decide to take on – He knows what is right. Because he sees and is the will, the way, my everything.

But I am thankful. For in the times of when I was at my lowest, I have met people whom God has put into my life to shepherd me and my decisions. They have given me honest thoughts and words that I only gather confidence and wisdom from. And I know it was because of Him, that I was to meet them at that time. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And I have come to realize, life cannot only be filled with happy moments – because without those lows, we cannot truly put our faith to works, in overcoming obstacles, challenges, despair, and hurt.

Help me O Lord, to take whatever wounds or hurts I may have in life, and just lower them into your hands. Help me to not fret, worry, cry, frustrate – because those are all useless, when you are the one who holds what is to come, in just the pinky of your hands.

I thank the Lord for being there for me when I needed Him most. And to help me realize that in those moments when I am weary and tired, He is there comforting me to see – all that He has prepared for me, if I am to open my eyes and see.

His love on the line for us – day by day He is there and guiding us patiently with his mercy, grace, humbleness, and beautiful and whole, love.

What Would I Give

So much frustration is on my mind right now. It honestly seems as if I’ve become one of those I’ve only read, or heard of before. You know those people whom never say no to anything, or promise to do whatever you ask them to? I feel as if I’ve succumbed to becoming one of “those”. It can be rather frustrating sometimes. I feel as if I have no time to myself or even to be with my Father. Time that I want to set aside to blog, to do my devotionals, to just do what I love, to be with who I want. I’m so tired.

Maybe this post can be seen as a sad post. As it is filled with my complaints and also anger as I express my thoughts from the past week. Of deadlines looming. Of marks being received. Of people’s expectations falling flat, or being set too high. There’s just too much that I have to be accountable for. Unfortunately, that was the image I built for myself over the years.

One of the bravest things I’ve done over the course of this year so far was talking to you 🙂 I am still rather giddy about it and cannot believe I had the courage or strength to do so. I believe it was the Holy Spirit that was within me to allow the words I’ve wanted to tell you since Day One I saw you, to flow through me.

Unfortunately, do we have much to talk about? No, I do not think so. Although at times, I believe we do favour and desire each other’s company. However, the lack of chemistry  or history is still rather blatant in the silences that fill the air between us. My questions are prodding at times. You still seem to want to answer them wholeheartedly.

But I feel as if this is not how friendships are developed. The strain and also the worry of wanting to not disappoint the other is … disappointing in itself. And even learning that you are not what I thought you to be, I was extremely giddy to learn that you were at the event on a Sunday. You surprised me. The Lord did answer my prayers. I would want to know how the event went for you.

I feel as if my blog posts are incomprehensible for those whom do not know the foreground knowledge that comes within my posts. Just know, I would give anything in the world for us to work. You have currently become my most favouritest person in this world, thus far.

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