Boundaries

It’s been a while since I last took up this pen.

I had wanted to wait a bit before I decided on the course of action.

There’s this fence that is often built around one. The fence initially does not exist. There was no reason for this structure to be built. It is through the experiences and events that take place, where one sees a fence slowly take shape.

At first, it may have been just a sliver of inches; similar to the newly grown grass that takes bloom as Spring descends. It grows steady and in color. Green as can be, as it slowly takes on a life of it’s own. Starting out fresh in scent; with it sparkling in the sun because of it’s unfamiliarity.

As more events take place, the height ascends. At times slower than the rest – knowingly boundaries have to be built, but only a millisecond at a time. Other times, those events wreck havoc, and the height skyrockets. The grass begins wilting, but continues it’s ascent.

Over time, this fence changes. It had started as grass, easy to cut; easy to maintain. But one day, this grass fades, and wooden boards take it’s place. Like a tree’s trunk, it is solid and without waver. It stands strong against the winds and waves. The oak becoming aged, but the stability stronger. It does not ever change shape, because there is not much that erodes the core of it’s base. It remains as is, a ring around that one.

Listening to the thoughts of others makes it obvious how cautious or carefree one truly is. There are some whom are filled with cheerful laughter, spontaneous interactions, and above all – radiance in knowing the grace of this world and it’s beauty.

Then there are the others.

Those whom had seen much before the rest of us. They have experienced the lows and the highs (though not as frequent). Their thoughts are clear as mud. Not easily influenced as they hold onto the crux of their soul; seemingly defined from a delicate age, and crafted through the hands of others.

Learn to be positive, they say.

What if that was never a trait to be encompassed by that one?

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You’ve only one life to live, why make it as unhappy as you do?

 

Without You

Taken as an excerpt from the one who feels lost amongst all

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so fixated on one object, you lose motivation to think about anything else?

That’s consumption done right.

There’s no need for desire of anything else. Your thoughts are consumed. You wish you could think about any or everything else; it’s seemingly locked down though. Everything suddenly revolves around this one.

Drained. Tired. Ineffectually helpless.

This is a new feeling for me.
Is this another one of those experiences where you overcome it and become a
stronger person?

Through the fire
I’ll persevere
I won’t submit to any fear
Where I’ll go you’ve been before
All my trust is in you Lord

Hold me close, Lord. Keep me sane.

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All I need is you, Lord. Let me cling onto you as desperately as I may this week.

Remember

Remember who you found among those winding streets and chilly frosts of air that stemmed from your chuckles as you gasped and laughed. Remember who you decided to leave behind – not by choice, but by another taking the reins for you. Remember.

Stray far from that person who used to be overtaken by so many fears and anxiety. Forget those that wrapped their hands around your lungs. Persevere. Strive. Smile. Move forward. No, even run.

Jump and feel those wings lift you higher and higher up. Away from that which bound you before and realize you aren’t the same; and will never be again. Because you chose our Father. You choose, everyday – to let Him lead your every step. There is certainty in what He decides, and that is where your calming heart is planted.

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Embrace You • Embrace God

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:5-8

These past few months were filled with decisions, love, worries, happiness, growth, joy, and most of all- understanding. I am thankful for that in which I was allowed to contribute my time to, the people in which I have come to know much more of, and especially: the relationships I have seen grow and strengthen. Many times, one does not step back to look through the objective lens at those around us. What if we were not one of this church? What if we did not come to this city; did not live to this time. Would the friendships and trust that exist today- still co-exist?

I always look up to those in whom I see aspiration. Their motivation to love and care in putting the needs of others ahead of their own is a wholistic approach in incorporating that in which they hold important and close to their heart. Unconditional love was and is never an easy trait to encompass in all daily interactions. How easy is it to say that someone is important to you, but when it is most important, do you truly act out your intentions?

I see you. The girl who grew from a child in this family we all call our own. This family in which your hair has grown and been shortened, in accordance with the many years you add onto your life, one by one. The confidence you have achieved and the love you so delicately sprinkle into each aspect in which you touch- though maybe only those close to you may realize the commitment you hold yourself on; being a daughter, sister, lover, and above all- a leader. Someone who others look upon for guidance, laughs, creativity, a hand, an arm. You bubble with the cheerfulness of someone who has seen and known much; though your age may be young + with much to learn. You have the capacity to grow and re-open boundaries that the traditions have bound in place. You devote time in places where others may overlook because they simply forget to acknowledge the importance of Him. So I thank you. For that which you have shown me, through your grace, your love, and most of all- your voice. It was an honour to serve alongside someone in which I have come to cherish dearly in the masses that we have grown to be a part of.

The other one. Someone whose presence will surely be missed. You and my other favourite remain a stronghold in this place in which we call our family. Familial relationships are not bound by blood anymore but by faith. In faith we have accepted that our Father is our one true God. By faith we realize the importance of each other. Through witnessing your faith, I realize that though uncertainty may latch itself onto our very footsteps, if we cling even more strongly onto our Father, we will overcome those dark times to become someone who is stronger still. Times in which we do not wholly see the way in front of us; through Him we see His way and His will.

I had once believed that our life was meant to live and achieve total happiness. In our family, our friendships, our life and career- if we are able to try our best and be at the top: we will be happy. Content in what we have, joyous in our accomplishments, ecstatic in knowing our path is so clearly drawn, like footprints to step into within the sand. How is it that I have evolved from the mentality of striving for happiness to understanding true happiness will never be found solely through one’s own desires? Through aligning personal longing with God’s will, do we actually hope for and find purpose in which He has prepared for us all along.

In the most quiet of times, away from all distractions and chatter, can I hear His voice. Only is it when I forget about all the lists filled with never-ending tasks can I ask for discernment in my next steps.

I hope that for every decision I embark on, I will turn to our Father first. Turning away from asking him whether this decision will make me happy, to if He is happy and satisfied with my choice in this matter. For when He is happy with what I hope to achieve, will only I be also happy in taking that step.

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Yearn to be like Him

This past week has been extremely tough for me. It just seems as if I want to stuff infinitely many events, meetings, and fun times out with friends into non-existential hours of time that I only have. I am unraveling myself, oh so thin it feels. To the point of where I may wake up from a 10 hour sleep feeling as if I had just finished pulling an all-nighter.

Like one of my close friends has frequently told me. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. Wanting to achieve this set of prestigious grades to end up on the President’s Honour Roll, of wanting to cram as many commitments and volunteer opportunities into my schedule because I want to build that flawless resume, and even wanting to build a desirable and beautiful community for my sisters at my Church. All this planning and time being spent into wanting to perfect a schedule that God will truly be proud of – it’s making me feel as if I have a million lego blocks in my bucket that I am using to sculpt my life; but seemingly, feeling as if I am drowning rather than enjoying, in the rainbow collectiveness of colours.

I want to do all this and more, because I believe that the more that I do, the greater the sense of purpose I feel for this life of mine. The more time I can spend in building and mending the friendships that I have. The happier and more joyous memories I can accumulate for this Summer that I had envisioned to be the best of the best.

This morning, I was a crybaby once again. I always do this one quirk of mine where when I go in front of our Lord, I reflect on the past week’s happenings. I think (oh I do this way too much!) about whether it was a worthwhile week. Did I do what I wanted to? Did I accomplish all that I had set about within my mind? Did I uphold all the promises and commitments that I had taken upon myself? Was I the best I could have been? On many weeks, I was proud of what I had decided to devote my time to. On the odd weeks, I had felt sad, guilty, and shameful. Not progressing as much as I had hoped. Of not being there within the midst of my Father regularly; seeking His shelter and warmth in growing spiritually.

Today, I had felt the deepest of lows in a while. This feeling of being very unforgiving towards myself of not being the daughter I had set out for myself within the course of this Summer. “Why?” I would question myself countless times and over. What was it that had made my time disappear to the point of oblivion? The time that I wanted to devote to my Father, they seemingly became filled with priorities that I somehow had to do, and God became second.

To relinquish control of my time and my desires. To not have to hold myself accountable, each and every day – to some cause without reason. I had felt as if I was suffocating under the weight of my repentances. But God, I pray. Would you take them away and give me a clear head in distinguishing what is important, what is not, and being rational to really commit time into that which you have assigned purpose and belonging to; truly cultivating it to become something worthy that I am to surrender to you.

God, you are wonderfully amazing. Beautifully merciful, and I am proud to be a Child of God who will relentlessly yearn for your passions to consume me in becoming one like you. 

Be Silly

 

What You Remind Me Of

“I saw you as a nice and pretty girl”.

It’s funny how sometimes what others say, can have an enormous impact on you.

I remember the first time I met you. You came, as if the wind had blown you in. Hair was disheveled, with a lopsided scowl on your face. You did not seem as if you wanted to be there; but were instead forced to.

Your voice is young. The words you use were coarse, but truthful. You encouraged us to try our best. And when the time approached – you disappeared just a few seconds tad of early.

I wanted you to be mine. I was glad, because I had you with me. I didn’t see much of anything, except through the eyes of you.

But sometimes, what we forget is that love is Him. He gave us everything in exchange for our love. But we didn’t carry through. And yet, time and time again, He forgives. He forgives because He loves us enough; and even more.

I believe I am weak when it comes to lust. I am weak when it involves my emotional side in taking over the logical side of myself. I miss you when I am happy. I miss you when I am sad. And I especially miss you when I am lonely.

But why depend on earthly beings to satisfy our loneliness, lack of happiness, and fill the void of our sadness? Humans at times, can be too in touch with their emotional lack of fulfillment – to the point of where they forget where they came from; of what love is. Who it is.

A prosodiac. A coffee addict. How opposite they can be.

A new beginning.

God My Saviour

I have found another song in which I was moved to tears. I have at times, when I come before our Lord – felt ashamed, guilty, lost, confused, and a whole array of emotions in which I feel unworthy to stand before Him. It is not that I have committed a slew of sins, but rather that I have kept him in the background of some of my decisions; rather than the forefront in which we should aim for.

He is my favourite. In this world and in the Heavens. I cannot dream of spending eternity with anyone else. But what is it about certain people I meet in my time here on earth where they captivate me to such lengths, that I become someone else. A different person in my values, beliefs, words, actions – in that instant, I have become someone else. Mostly, it is for the worse, and not for the better.

I know I am to keep our Father as my compass. As the True North for whatever it is that I decide to take on – He knows what is right. Because he sees and is the will, the way, my everything.

But I am thankful. For in the times of when I was at my lowest, I have met people whom God has put into my life to shepherd me and my decisions. They have given me honest thoughts and words that I only gather confidence and wisdom from. And I know it was because of Him, that I was to meet them at that time. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And I have come to realize, life cannot only be filled with happy moments – because without those lows, we cannot truly put our faith to works, in overcoming obstacles, challenges, despair, and hurt.

Help me O Lord, to take whatever wounds or hurts I may have in life, and just lower them into your hands. Help me to not fret, worry, cry, frustrate – because those are all useless, when you are the one who holds what is to come, in just the pinky of your hands.

I thank the Lord for being there for me when I needed Him most. And to help me realize that in those moments when I am weary and tired, He is there comforting me to see – all that He has prepared for me, if I am to open my eyes and see.

His love on the line for us – day by day He is there and guiding us patiently with his mercy, grace, humbleness, and beautiful and whole, love.