Boundaries

It’s been a while since I last took up this pen.

I had wanted to wait a bit before I decided on the course of action.

There’s this fence that is often built around one. The fence initially does not exist. There was no reason for this structure to be built. It is through the experiences and events that take place, where one sees a fence slowly take shape.

At first, it may have been just a sliver of inches; similar to the newly grown grass that takes bloom as Spring descends. It grows steady and in color. Green as can be, as it slowly takes on a life of it’s own. Starting out fresh in scent; with it sparkling in the sun because of it’s unfamiliarity.

As more events take place, the height ascends. At times slower than the rest – knowingly boundaries have to be built, but only a millisecond at a time. Other times, those events wreck havoc, and the height skyrockets. The grass begins wilting, but continues it’s ascent.

Over time, this fence changes. It had started as grass, easy to cut; easy to maintain. But one day, this grass fades, and wooden boards take it’s place. Like a tree’s trunk, it is solid and without waver. It stands strong against the winds and waves. The oak becoming aged, but the stability stronger. It does not ever change shape, because there is not much that erodes the core of it’s base. It remains as is, a ring around that one.

Listening to the thoughts of others makes it obvious how cautious or carefree one truly is. There are some whom are filled with cheerful laughter, spontaneous interactions, and above all – radiance in knowing the grace of this world and it’s beauty.

Then there are the others.

Those whom had seen much before the rest of us. They have experienced the lows and the highs (though not as frequent). Their thoughts are clear as mud. Not easily influenced as they hold onto the crux of their soul; seemingly defined from a delicate age, and crafted through the hands of others.

Learn to be positive, they say.

What if that was never a trait to be encompassed by that one?

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You’ve only one life to live, why make it as unhappy as you do?

 

Remember

Remember who you found among those winding streets and chilly frosts of air that stemmed from your chuckles as you gasped and laughed. Remember who you decided to leave behind – not by choice, but by another taking the reins for you. Remember.

Stray far from that person who used to be overtaken by so many fears and anxiety. Forget those that wrapped their hands around your lungs. Persevere. Strive. Smile. Move forward. No, even run.

Jump and feel those wings lift you higher and higher up. Away from that which bound you before and realize you aren’t the same; and will never be again. Because you chose our Father. You choose, everyday – to let Him lead your every step. There is certainty in what He decides, and that is where your calming heart is planted.

Dam Square

The Glass Mask 

Do you think that a real glass mask exists in this world? Masks are supposed to cover faces, but this one’s transparent.

Someone once told me this:

The reason why people draw landscapes is to preserve it. If it was someone who knew nothing other than working with glass – wouldn’t he also make whatever he wanted to preserve, in glass?

If it’s a glass mask, then … [he] wanted to preserve someone’s face?

Is it possible to preserve anything in this world? From dust we were created, and to dust we shall return. Memories, happiness, people – ultimately there is nothing that one can do that will be able to preserve anything that they want to.

Isn’t it funny? I wanted to preserve you in the photos I took. But I do not think it to be possible as even if I did, you still disappeared from my memories with time; and from yours, me.

 

Swirling everywhere I go

I’ve never really perceived myself as being pessimistic; nor sarcastic (at least not overly). Recently though, I’ve realized the loss of genuine-ness in my actions and thoughts. Maybe it is because this semester is so different than the others.

My list of commitments and duties seemingly grow day by day, never getting shorter. Even with the ticking off of completed tasks and accomplishments. This busy-ness that I’ve never really grown accustomed to, it sometimes does swallow you whole, doesn’t it?

Though however ambitious or confident in my path I may seem at times, I’ve always had the thought of falling back on the comfortable and familiar. Being somewhere and doing the things that I could dream of doing – in my dreams. Because though I’ve never shared, when living, I never have the time to truly devote on those whom I wish I could just spend unlimited time with.

Unlimited time. Isn’t that rather ironic? How our society now tries to schedule and clutter one’s own life with a million and one commitments, all for the hope of being able to live comfortably, at an early age; retired and happy.

I reminiscence a lot nowadays. Seeing little kids walking to school; seeing them walk with their families, seemingly without a care. Seeing them roll down the many hills that litter my institution, and not realizing having the time to do so – is precious. Valuable in of itself because once one ages, they do not deem these interactions and leisure as worthy to even devote an ounce of effort to. Quite sad actually.

As you have said:

People’s hearts can’t change like a calendar, just because a month has passed.

Yearn to be like Him

This past week has been extremely tough for me. It just seems as if I want to stuff infinitely many events, meetings, and fun times out with friends into non-existential hours of time that I only have. I am unraveling myself, oh so thin it feels. To the point of where I may wake up from a 10 hour sleep feeling as if I had just finished pulling an all-nighter.

Like one of my close friends has frequently told me. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. Wanting to achieve this set of prestigious grades to end up on the President’s Honour Roll, of wanting to cram as many commitments and volunteer opportunities into my schedule because I want to build that flawless resume, and even wanting to build a desirable and beautiful community for my sisters at my Church. All this planning and time being spent into wanting to perfect a schedule that God will truly be proud of – it’s making me feel as if I have a million lego blocks in my bucket that I am using to sculpt my life; but seemingly, feeling as if I am drowning rather than enjoying, in the rainbow collectiveness of colours.

I want to do all this and more, because I believe that the more that I do, the greater the sense of purpose I feel for this life of mine. The more time I can spend in building and mending the friendships that I have. The happier and more joyous memories I can accumulate for this Summer that I had envisioned to be the best of the best.

This morning, I was a crybaby once again. I always do this one quirk of mine where when I go in front of our Lord, I reflect on the past week’s happenings. I think (oh I do this way too much!) about whether it was a worthwhile week. Did I do what I wanted to? Did I accomplish all that I had set about within my mind? Did I uphold all the promises and commitments that I had taken upon myself? Was I the best I could have been? On many weeks, I was proud of what I had decided to devote my time to. On the odd weeks, I had felt sad, guilty, and shameful. Not progressing as much as I had hoped. Of not being there within the midst of my Father regularly; seeking His shelter and warmth in growing spiritually.

Today, I had felt the deepest of lows in a while. This feeling of being very unforgiving towards myself of not being the daughter I had set out for myself within the course of this Summer. “Why?” I would question myself countless times and over. What was it that had made my time disappear to the point of oblivion? The time that I wanted to devote to my Father, they seemingly became filled with priorities that I somehow had to do, and God became second.

To relinquish control of my time and my desires. To not have to hold myself accountable, each and every day – to some cause without reason. I had felt as if I was suffocating under the weight of my repentances. But God, I pray. Would you take them away and give me a clear head in distinguishing what is important, what is not, and being rational to really commit time into that which you have assigned purpose and belonging to; truly cultivating it to become something worthy that I am to surrender to you.

God, you are wonderfully amazing. Beautifully merciful, and I am proud to be a Child of God who will relentlessly yearn for your passions to consume me in becoming one like you. 

Be Silly

 

God My Saviour

I have found another song in which I was moved to tears. I have at times, when I come before our Lord – felt ashamed, guilty, lost, confused, and a whole array of emotions in which I feel unworthy to stand before Him. It is not that I have committed a slew of sins, but rather that I have kept him in the background of some of my decisions; rather than the forefront in which we should aim for.

He is my favourite. In this world and in the Heavens. I cannot dream of spending eternity with anyone else. But what is it about certain people I meet in my time here on earth where they captivate me to such lengths, that I become someone else. A different person in my values, beliefs, words, actions – in that instant, I have become someone else. Mostly, it is for the worse, and not for the better.

I know I am to keep our Father as my compass. As the True North for whatever it is that I decide to take on – He knows what is right. Because he sees and is the will, the way, my everything.

But I am thankful. For in the times of when I was at my lowest, I have met people whom God has put into my life to shepherd me and my decisions. They have given me honest thoughts and words that I only gather confidence and wisdom from. And I know it was because of Him, that I was to meet them at that time. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And I have come to realize, life cannot only be filled with happy moments – because without those lows, we cannot truly put our faith to works, in overcoming obstacles, challenges, despair, and hurt.

Help me O Lord, to take whatever wounds or hurts I may have in life, and just lower them into your hands. Help me to not fret, worry, cry, frustrate – because those are all useless, when you are the one who holds what is to come, in just the pinky of your hands.

I thank the Lord for being there for me when I needed Him most. And to help me realize that in those moments when I am weary and tired, He is there comforting me to see – all that He has prepared for me, if I am to open my eyes and see.

His love on the line for us – day by day He is there and guiding us patiently with his mercy, grace, humbleness, and beautiful and whole, love.

Day 4 of 365

I haven’t written in quite a long time.

I have been debating a while about what it is I really want to attain from life. What do I want to achieve. Who do I ultimately want to spend a big chunk of my life with. Where do I want to build and cultivate a portion of His Kingdom at. These questions are filled to the brim, bucket after bucket. With only water soaking the questions until they become muddled and forgotten.

I think I have lost a part of the way. To the point of where I do not really follow what I want to do. Not only because I am uncertain, but also because I have become numb to the truthfulness of becoming accountable for all the actions, decisions, and choices I have to take.

Honestly? I want to be great. I want to be remembered. I want to help others. I want to do what I want to do, and be happy waking up everyday, excited to do the one thing that makes me feel thankful for being alive.

2016 to be a year of change. Of being confident and going after what I want. But a small tweak from last year’s resolution? To actually think through my decisions of people I choose to spend time with. I do not believe time is ever wasted when spent with friends and family. But time spent with one, could have been better used on someone else.
It’s harsh, but I think I made some foolish decisions throughout this year. And although I would want to spend every waking moment with people I very deeply desire, time spent with the wrong people – is just time wasted. Truth.

2016 – Let another hour of roasting in the oven for my steak take place.
– Inside joke with PJM

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Cheers, to 2016