How Time Flies

I can’t even begin to say how much I cannot look forward to leaving England. It is so similar, yet so different. I think it is the possibility of exploring a city, or another country – all within my fingertips; it is that which I will miss the most.

These past few weeks were very, very, very busy with studying. Catching up on the 3 months of coursework material I had only occasionally glanced at within my travels. Though I am glad for the day trip out to Oxford last week.

As I walked along the streets, within the numerous colleges – I was stunned. Awed and revelling in the beauty of this city. The architecture, the people, and most of all: the atmosphere of it all drew me in for the day; it still has not let me go since.

I hope I will be able to come back to England one day. Not as a student, nor as an employee of a company. But that of a wanderer that is not lost, but merely looking to exist in the many cities that litter this beautiful country, that which I currently call home.

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If I were to become an inhabitant of this city, would I be content?

Yearn to be like Him

This past week has been extremely tough for me. It just seems as if I want to stuff infinitely many events, meetings, and fun times out with friends into non-existential hours of time that I only have. I am unraveling myself, oh so thin it feels. To the point of where I may wake up from a 10 hour sleep feeling as if I had just finished pulling an all-nighter.

Like one of my close friends has frequently told me. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. Wanting to achieve this set of prestigious grades to end up on the President’s Honour Roll, of wanting to cram as many commitments and volunteer opportunities into my schedule because I want to build that flawless resume, and even wanting to build a desirable and beautiful community for my sisters at my Church. All this planning and time being spent into wanting to perfect a schedule that God will truly be proud of – it’s making me feel as if I have a million lego blocks in my bucket that I am using to sculpt my life; but seemingly, feeling as if I am drowning rather than enjoying, in the rainbow collectiveness of colours.

I want to do all this and more, because I believe that the more that I do, the greater the sense of purpose I feel for this life of mine. The more time I can spend in building and mending the friendships that I have. The happier and more joyous memories I can accumulate for this Summer that I had envisioned to be the best of the best.

This morning, I was a crybaby once again. I always do this one quirk of mine where when I go in front of our Lord, I reflect on the past week’s happenings. I think (oh I do this way too much!) about whether it was a worthwhile week. Did I do what I wanted to? Did I accomplish all that I had set about within my mind? Did I uphold all the promises and commitments that I had taken upon myself? Was I the best I could have been? On many weeks, I was proud of what I had decided to devote my time to. On the odd weeks, I had felt sad, guilty, and shameful. Not progressing as much as I had hoped. Of not being there within the midst of my Father regularly; seeking His shelter and warmth in growing spiritually.

Today, I had felt the deepest of lows in a while. This feeling of being very unforgiving towards myself of not being the daughter I had set out for myself within the course of this Summer. “Why?” I would question myself countless times and over. What was it that had made my time disappear to the point of oblivion? The time that I wanted to devote to my Father, they seemingly became filled with priorities that I somehow had to do, and God became second.

To relinquish control of my time and my desires. To not have to hold myself accountable, each and every day – to some cause without reason. I had felt as if I was suffocating under the weight of my repentances. But God, I pray. Would you take them away and give me a clear head in distinguishing what is important, what is not, and being rational to really commit time into that which you have assigned purpose and belonging to; truly cultivating it to become something worthy that I am to surrender to you.

God, you are wonderfully amazing. Beautifully merciful, and I am proud to be a Child of God who will relentlessly yearn for your passions to consume me in becoming one like you. 

Be Silly

 

God My Saviour

I have found another song in which I was moved to tears. I have at times, when I come before our Lord – felt ashamed, guilty, lost, confused, and a whole array of emotions in which I feel unworthy to stand before Him. It is not that I have committed a slew of sins, but rather that I have kept him in the background of some of my decisions; rather than the forefront in which we should aim for.

He is my favourite. In this world and in the Heavens. I cannot dream of spending eternity with anyone else. But what is it about certain people I meet in my time here on earth where they captivate me to such lengths, that I become someone else. A different person in my values, beliefs, words, actions – in that instant, I have become someone else. Mostly, it is for the worse, and not for the better.

I know I am to keep our Father as my compass. As the True North for whatever it is that I decide to take on – He knows what is right. Because he sees and is the will, the way, my everything.

But I am thankful. For in the times of when I was at my lowest, I have met people whom God has put into my life to shepherd me and my decisions. They have given me honest thoughts and words that I only gather confidence and wisdom from. And I know it was because of Him, that I was to meet them at that time. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And I have come to realize, life cannot only be filled with happy moments – because without those lows, we cannot truly put our faith to works, in overcoming obstacles, challenges, despair, and hurt.

Help me O Lord, to take whatever wounds or hurts I may have in life, and just lower them into your hands. Help me to not fret, worry, cry, frustrate – because those are all useless, when you are the one who holds what is to come, in just the pinky of your hands.

I thank the Lord for being there for me when I needed Him most. And to help me realize that in those moments when I am weary and tired, He is there comforting me to see – all that He has prepared for me, if I am to open my eyes and see.

His love on the line for us – day by day He is there and guiding us patiently with his mercy, grace, humbleness, and beautiful and whole, love.

Today

Today I went to Sunday service. I was not in the best mood to be at service. I was tired, moody, and also reluctant to attend. But somehow the happiness of being able to sing praises and listen to my Father’s words were what ultimately brought me before Him.

What I felt today was that although there may be times when we may not want to go before Him, or do what He wants us to do – we should. We should because he gave His son to us at a time when we needed Him most, but didn’t realize.

This song reminds me that whatever in life is bringing us down, either it be relationship or work troubles, we have our Lord. And that is enough. That will always be enough.

So thank-you God. Thank-you for showing me that with my decision to follow you, there

is no turning back.

But I am happy for that because I want to be Your daughter for all of eternity.

Help me to show Your works. Shine the light of Your great works, so that others may see of our magnificence and come to know of You.

G

Children of God

This past weekend was our church’s annual summer retreat. Though I had my reservations about attending, I must say, the uncertainty that I initially had, was completely uncalled for. Having the opportunity to attend this camp was truly the highlight of my Summer. Being able to talk with and also hear from Dr. Sean Ho about being children of God was the awakening I needed.

Life is often full. Full of everything one wants to fill it with. Loved ones to be with, appointments to tend to, and even needs that oneself wants to be filled. In the midst of all that, we may lose out on who we are. Who God had initially called us to be, but we brushed to the side, because of our own grand plans; our dreams; our “callings”.

We are lucky. That we even know of Him. That we were given the privilege to follow Him. That we are able to love and be loved by Him.

Words truly cannot describe my emotions that I have felt through the endurance of this camp. I can only say: Thank-you Lord for letting me attend. To letting me be amongst the midst of others who love you greatly. To be able to worship, praise, and also pray with them was a blessing. So thank-you Lord.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. [Galatians 3:26-27]

So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me.

Simplicity [Rend Collective]

I was recently introduced to this lovely tidbit of a song from one of our awesome P&W leaders. As he had brought this song up, he had mentioned that at first he thought this was a love song. He had thought this song to be a love letter to a beloved.

The lyrics are beautiful. My love for my Father is great. I cannot imagine loving anyone more than Him. His love for us is what gave us the breath to breathe today, the ability to wake up. His will is what made me exist in the first place.

“To worship you, in spirit and truth, only you.”

“You’re the reason I sing. The reason I sing. Yes, my heart will sing. How I love you.”

Please, enjoy this song on this day that our Lord has created for us.

With Strength We Embark!

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It truly has been a long time since my fingers have tapped out audible words which appear on the screen in front of you.

This year has been a bit of a roller-coaster. Though not as much as the one back in 2013, the changes this year has thrown onto my doorstep, has been a bit shocking, but happy and also surprisingly wonderful shocks. As I had once said it to a dear companion, I have had “shock attacks” this year, which, in the pretense would not be understood by, except my companion and I.

Starting at yet another post-secondary institution (3 in 3 years!) has been a bit tough on me. Though I am at times, a tougher nut to crack than a walnut (except around my nutcracker friends), I am thankful regardless of where and whom I may meet. For all the memories I make, I know them to be a part of God’s great plan. My footprints and fingerprints, whichever and whatever they may touch, it was meant to be.

One may ask, for how do I know whether this or that, was part of His plan? I do not have much to say (which is surprising at times!), my faith is not built on anything, but His love for me. His love makes me speechless and also full of words that do not necessarily have to be said to be felt or be understood. Those whom have been touched and changed by our Father will understand what it is that I am referring and hold myself dear to.

There is much that I hope to complete by the end of this summer. This semester has become somewhat of a whirlwind as the focus has shifted away from academics, and more onto commitments that I have found much more important than grades.

I pray for my church’s VBS. I pray that we may have enough volunteers and also that those whom do commit their time, will have His wisdom and strength in leading our wonderful group of kids. I pray that our Church will be a loving place where kids may come to learn and grow to love our God for “Ever(est)”. I pray that I may come to be strong and healthy for all that calls for my time and effort during this summer. Lastly, I pray that for all the journeys, trips, marriages, and even the simplest of walks that my friends embark on, they may be safe on their voyages. May they come to walk closer to God with each step. May they come to know of His great love. May they come to have courage in sharing it with others. May we all come to be great disciples in His name and make more under His GREAT NAME!

I am getting rather excited. I’m afraid I’ll have to close it at that.

Take care & blessings,

G