the last time of shr

You were someone that I’ve never forgotten. Ever, in the midst of life’s hustle and bustle. You always managed to swim to the forefront of my thoughts, my dreams, my worries.

You are someone whom I look up to, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I wanted you, as much as the little ones look forward to meeting Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, on Christmas Eve. I wanted you, more than many of the other prayers I’ve hunted for in my life. I wanted you, more than I had looked forward to that first trickle of snow; that first snowfall of each season.

Thankful for the time we spend together. Me, just a bit more interesting than you. And you, a bit more timid and careful than I can ever be. The words we exchange, I won’t reminiscence on. There’s too much in life to achieve, attain, surpass, and ultimately – to take those steps, it requires concentrated focus.

I once placed my ambition on you. Wanting to be the one beside you, walking down those halls and those steps.

南山南 – 如果天黑之前来得及




First Snow

The promise of the first snow.

I wish I could have seen you on that day. You showed me glimpses of what you saw through your balcony, as you walked across the pond, and the statue that stood guard in our building. Why couldn’t you have been over her, as easily as I seem to do so? Your heart, as pure as the white snow in which I step in carefully, thinking about our times together.

Thank-you for your kindness that you had shown to me. You have changed my outlook on life so profoundly I only wonder if you could one day also be mine. To walk alongside me, as I weave the streets of this and that city.

My star

Merry Christmas to all & a very Happy Holidays to the rest of this Winter Break.

Something that has been at the back of my mind lately is that although we may be surrounded by people we have come to know for over years, one can still feel so alone. In the midst of friends whom one has come to know over the years…there still remains a gap in the understanding and stance the two may take. Why is that?

It seems that you have seen the ugly faces of each other more than other strangers, but there remains a sense of awkwardness that will never fade. Where and when will this feeling go away? Why can’t two people be true in front of one another? Why is it that sometimes, the friendship or relationship changes to a point of where no mending can be done? It is disappointing how when one thinks about how to fix it, there is no fixing that can be done – because one of the two is satisfied with how it has come about.

This is very disturbing to someone who has come to know of the people she loves as those with whom she feels the most comfortable with; but what she does not realize is that there are always perceptions from elsewhere that distort their view of her – and consequently, also the perspective they hold onto her – whenever they view her.

Is that star also looking at me by any chance?
Isn’t that star looking at me?
Is that star looking at me?
Just me…
Isn’t that star looking for me?
Or does [it] avoid me?

You were my star that I’ve come to catch & it seems that you do not appear to guide my path anymore.

Through That Which I Saw

Today was a day worth remembering, and also one as a reminder.

Thanks to God that I am able to meet so many people in this life, to have conversations with them I would not if I had not managed to live past that July of 2013.

I often think of living on borrowed time. Time that I was granted out of God’s grace for me. As my Core leader had shared: God had saved me through mercy, but also out of His love for me. He will be there through any and everything that I encounter in the future; the obstacles that I think are too big for me to handle and the little details I overlook, from time to time.

I contemplated a lot today. Whether I should leave. Whether I was being silly waiting. Whether I was being unreasonable due to all the uncertainty that seemed to surround him. But I held on, because I believed that it was something worth fighting for. And though it was ultimately bittersweet on my part, I am glad that I did.

It was something where I was able to realize if not for, I would not know the answer that I was searching so long for.  Sometimes answers are deduced. Sometimes they are so clearly shown. And other times they appear because we force them to appear.

Being by your side was something of a delight. I think I had missed the feeling of being with someone of my background. Where I could try to improve my ability, and also learn more about you at the same time. The you that had grown up in a different province and different country halfway around the world. The you that had different experiences in terms of your attitude towards academics, towards someone whom you had adored in the past, and ultimately, your outlook on life now. You were someone that was very mature. Your perspective outgrew that which I was accustomed to. You were upfront, blunt, and also careful with your confrontations, which I saw a part of myself in. You are someone who I really believe can make someone like her, as happy as you’d like to.

Thanks to God for this weight that was lifted off my chest. So that I could continue to look forward. Not only in the realm of friendships, but also in the belief that someone amazing will come to show themselves, and I will come to walk alongside him – in faith for our Father.

December 16 was a day I had looked very forward to. But today after it had ended, I realized that something other than that which I had hoped for, happened – which I am also glad for. I wish you the best in the future. I believe you will encounter great souls, similar to yours. You will come to lift your head with happiness, in the midst of someone as comfortable as yourself.

宋昊然 : 你還是一位好人。你教了我很多我之前沒看到的,還有很誠實的分享你的經歷。希望你不會再為她難過。你有你的優點還有夢想,也很吸引別人來欣賞。

Come Away

It has been extremely long since I have last wrote, hasn’t it? The least I can come up with is – a lot has been going on.

I think with time, I have been able to mature, smile, meet people, create memories, but also see my shell be broken amongst the days that pass, one by one.

I am still one who is immature at times, quick to jump at the sight of opportunities as they pass me by, someone who can be swept up in another’s presence in who I have come to grow fond of, and also find disappointment in places that have never existed.

Sometimes it is so simple to see that something does not exist, and accept it wholly. Where at other times, it seems even unexplainable that one would put so much faith in someone or something, that others whom step back, see it to be undependable and irrational. But what is life without some irrational decision-making and regrets?

Do you see what you seem like to a stranger? Do you see the kindness that you bestow onto others who come onto your path? Or the ways that you seemingly care more for others, in ways that I ascribe to be, but cannot because I am bogged down with priorities I create out of thin air.

Let me leave for a quarter of a year. I want to come back as someone who has rediscovered the pure beauty of this world. Not bound by the harshness that comes with age and experience, but rather remain in awe of blessings that happen by daily grace.